Moms of the UES

In the thick of our sleep problems (she wakes up only twice-nightly now!) I saw a posting on a mom's meet-up site for a talk given by a sleep expert. It was perfect timing, and seemed pretty necessary at that point. The posting made a pretty clear distinction, though - it was for the Upper East Side. But it included lunch, wasn't too far from our neighbourhood, and we were desperate for sleep, so why not. I paid the $40 and couldn't help but get a little excited about meeting other moms, UES or not.



It was at a four-story complex designed for kids - playrooms, gyms, an organic cafeteria. I was running late and had to take a cab, so was forced to bring the SUV of a stroller that carries the car seat. That thing is made for driving through snowbanks in Saskatchewan. It's huge. As I pushed it through the doors, 15 minutes late, I saw an indoor parking lot of sleek, aerodynamically-correct strollers in perfectly straight lines. As I approached the counter, the woman behind it asked me to visit the valet.  Sitting behind another counter was a Latino man wearing the company shirt. He took the stroller from me, handed me my numbered ticket, and pushed it the three feet to its parking spot.

The meeting was in a baby conference room upstairs, and at three long plastic tables sat about two dozen women. The first thing I heard was "my baby's four months old, and by far the oldest one here, I'm sure." Cue everyone turning to stare as Alice (9 months) and I lumber in. 

"Hi, welcome," said the impossibly-thin sleep expert. "Have a seat. We're all introducing ourselves. Cheryl, you're next."

"Hi, I'm Cheryl. 86th and 2nd. Carl is eight weeks old."

"Hi, I'm Deborah. 85th and Lexington. Jessica is three months."

"You want my address?" I blurted out. "Carrie, west 113th and Amsterdam, and Alice is nine months old." My address is very much in the Columbia student ghetto, and Alice was definitely the oldest one there. 

 The woman to my left gave me a tight smile as I pulled Alice onto my lap and settled in. As the sleep expert began her talk, a woman entered and handed out a sheet of paper with sandwich options on it for lunch. As she came around to collect them, I heard "no cheese" about four times. And then I noticed how incredibly thin most of the women were. How is that possible? Almost all of the babies were in their "fourth trimester," and there was no visible evidence that these women were pregnant less than two months ago. At nine months, I'm still not really trying to get my pre-baby body back. 

The sleep expert had a few interesting tips. Blacking out your windows with removable vinyl product is a must. A white noise machine, NOT an air conditioner (it's not loud enough) is a must. I asked her what to do if you shared a bedroom with your baby, and she suggested drilling hooks into the ceiling and hanging a sheet between us (M and I settled for dark blinds and a Chinese curtain.) 

"What if we travel every weekend?" one woman asked. "Should we wait until after summer to sleep- train her?"

"How old is she?"

"Four months."

"You should start now."

I put up my hand a lot, and she ignored me most of the time. As Alice got hungry and squirmy, the smile of the woman beside me tightened until it wasn't really a smile anymore. I brought out an avocado  for Alice and someone said "It's hard to believe I'll be feeding my little one solids one day." 

The expert went on to talk about trying a strict sleep training program for no shorter than two weeks at a time- no leaving the house during nap time, and the same time to bed every night. I once again put up my hand. "What if in the middle of the two weeks I need to try something new. Should I wait until the end of those two weeks to introduce the sheet?"

For a nano-second, a bitch-face flashed. "You should start IMMEDIATELY." 

After the speaker had finished, the organizers started talking about events moms could attend that featured "luxury items," and that's when I headed out. I'm sure there were really nice, interesting moms there, but this wasn't the place to meet them. 

For a week or so after, I despaired of meeting other moms. There are groups that meet at places like UWS Yoga, but the average price to join was $200 for 6 weeks. I scoured meet-up sites for groups of moms who, like me, refuse to pay for something that should be free, and found nothing in my neighbourhood. But the other day, in my inbox was a notice for a playgroup in my 'hood. 

We met in the playroom of one of the mom's apartment building. There were three of them, and they, like me, looked like they had just had a baby ("just" meaning in the last two years, not two weeks.) One's a lawyer, another works for a non-profit. One of them told me that she had read that if you can put your baby down at least once in a 24 hour cycle to fall asleep on their own, the rest of the day doesn't matter. What's important is that the skill is introduced, and the rest they'll work out on their own, in their own time. 

They also filled me in on a bakery down the street which sells the best cookies in New York- thick, rich, chocolate mini-cakes. "I eat one of those thing a day!" said the lawyer. I told them I was going straight there to buy one after the playdate, and they seemed to appreciate that.